Just forget me.
It won't be hard.
You can't remember something
if it was never there.
Would it matter if I died?
Would you even notice?
Would you even care?
You waited patiently outside your bedroom door for your parents to fall asleep. It was October 11th, the eve of your favourite day of the year. You had planned this day out 2 years ago, the plans ready for October 12th of the previous year but they had to be canceled.
You were not going to miss another year.
You heard the satisfying sound of your parents light turning off and the shuffling of the blankets. You waited another few minutes to be safe and slowly crept out of your room into the darkness of the house. You waited for the adrenaline that never came as you walked out the backdoor, a little disappointed.
The cold autumn air sliced through you as you strolled along the all too familiar path through the woods, making sure to feel along the trees and plants. The darkness engulfed your cold body as you wandered off the path through the woods. You closed your eyes and enjoyed the smell of the damp moss and dirt as you continued to walk blindly through the forest. You stopped as your foot hit pavement all too fast. You looked up at the building in front of you. It was only 5 stories tall but it would be perfect.
You climbed up the dark fire escape ladder, the cool metal sliding under your hands. When you finally reached the end you looked expectantly at the leaf filled roof. Pushing some leafs aside; you sat on the end of the building and looked at the small unsatisfying drop. You missed the adrenaline from 5 years ago.
Your watch beeped as the night changed to the early morning of October 12th. You smiled and lay down on your back to watch the sun rise in a few hours. October 12th, the day of your suicide.
Children screamed as they ran through the park, their parents watching happily. You looked at your watch and saw that it had been 12 hours and the morning was changing to night again. The children stopped playing and sat on the grass while their parents brought them lunch, one little boy looked up and saw you and the roof of the building. You waved at him happily. He pointed to you to show his friends, they looked at you curiously and ushered the parents over to see you. This was your cue.
You stood up and looked down at the pavement, the drop seeming a lot longer than the 5 stories you know. You smiled at the parents blank expressions. Your heart started to race and your head pounded as the adrenaline pumped through your body. You let out a loud laugh.
"What took you so long?" you spoke to everything, the adrenaline, the children noticing you, your suicide attempt. No, not attempt, it's not anymore.
You took in your last breath of air as you jumped. You faintly heard the parents gasping, the children screaming but it was blocked out by the sound of your heart. The wind rushed through your hair as your drop seemed like years.
The blackness you waited for swallowed you like the night of October 12th, 5 years ago.
The darkness was all around you. You knew the feeling, it happened 4 times before. This time was different, less intense than the last attempt but more distant than all of them.
Warmth, too warm, it was never warm before.
Dots, colourful dots, those were new too.
A sudden feeling of shallow wading overcame you as your eyes slowly opened. All your senses alive at once, it was overwhelming. Your brain registered your surroundings easily. Lights, colourless walls, concerned but happy voices, sterile smell, soft and warm blankets covering your broken self.
"_______, Welcome back~ did you have a good sleep?" a doctor asked you, your voice was hoarse and squeaked as no words came out. "Calm down, stop crying, you're okay now. You were out for quite a while, we thought you were gone but you have a good heart" He added while wiping away the tears you didn't know you were shedding.
You tried to move your arms but your only good arm was strapped down to the bed, the other securely in a cast strapped to a hanger. You tried your voice again but only a small unintelligible noise came out. Your legs were also strapped down and in plaster, immobile like the rest of you.
"You really did a number on yourself this time." A familiar doctor walked in, his shoulder length blond hair bounced with each step he took. You knew the scene too well.
"Come in Mathew" He ushered a small boy a little older than you into the room. He refused to make eye contact, his blond curl swayed as he interested himself in his shoes.
"I'll leave you three alone~" the enthusiastic doctor waved as he closed the door behind him. You knew the next part by heart, summary of what happened mixed with the injuries from previous years, topped off with what's going to happen next.
"Nice to see you again _______, I wish it could have been in a different situation. This is Mattie, our trainee, 19 and a genius in medicine; he's going to give the speech today." He gestured to the nervous teen. You nodded slightly; apathy filled your eyes as he started.
"Y-you seem to have your legs broken, your left in 3 places and your right in 5. Your right wrist is also broken in 3 places. You have a concussion; you might have some brain damage. The worst part is your ch-chest-" He flipped the page of his clipboard, obviously having trouble speaking to you about the topic. "You have some broken ribs; one of the shards punctured your lung and another hit part of your heart. Your heart and lungs were already weak from some previous trauma but you were very lucky you survived" he whispered nervously. You nodded at the cup of water by your bed, expecting someone to pour it in your mouth.
Your wish was granted as the cold liquid ran down your dry throat. You coughed a few time before trying your voice again. You body ached with every shaking breath but it wasn't anything new.
"L-lucky." You choked out. Your voice was scratchy and gross, you assumed from the lung puncture and the event from 2 years ago.
"Yes, very lucky. We almost gave up on you but Mathew here knew you still had the will to live inside of you." The doctor said as he put his arm around Mathew's shoulders.
"No." you defied, you couldn't have been through 5 failed attempts just to be told you only survived because an amateur student doctor had morals. "No!" you tried louder, pulling on the binding on your good arm. "Please No!" You cried desperately.
"Please calm down _______You'll disturb the other patients." The doctor said annoyed. You continued to cry, scream and pull.
"I-it's your fault! You put me through this!" You screamed at the shaking teen. "How could you have been so selfish with your morals? 4 failed attempts and you still think I would have the will to live another year?! How could you only think of yourself 'Mathew the great doctor protégé'? Was that the only thing that mattered to you?" you screamed at him, your body painfully thrashing around the bed.
Nurses came rushing in and stabbed you in your good arm. The last thing you saw before the wrong black was Mathew's shocked face. His eyes red, his fingers fearfully knotted in his hair, and his shiny cheeks, wet from tears of fear, horror or pity. Maybe it was all three.