Canada x Suicidal!Reader: Shallow Water (2)

You don't want to dream
and that's made me afraid to dream too
Afraid that you'll judge if I do
Judge me like you do those that want to believe
in that which cannot be proven

Is it really so bad to want to believe?
That there's something more out there

It will stay hidden forever.

--

“Happy Birthday _______~! Have a wonderful day!” your email read. You stared at it like you did every year. The automated message had a picture of balloons, floating away freely through the page.

‘I wish I could be like them’ you thought as you silently clicked the print button. The email printed on a clean white piece of paper. You cut off the bottom of the page that recommended new setting for your email account; you would never need it anyway.

‘Happy 14th to me’ you whispered apathetically as you pinned the paper on the wall on top of the others, ironically putting the pin through the balloon.

Locking it in place forever.

---

“You’re 18 now; your parents aren’t going to decide things for you anymore!” The doctor sang. You stared ahead and thought about your last birthday before you started failing. The doctor coughed to get your attention. You moved your blank stare on him.

“and?” you questions like he wanted.

“-and that means we get to decide what’s best for you from now on!” He continued enthusiastically. Before he could make his point a knock on the door interrupted him. Matthew, the reason for your present suffering, stood in the doorway with his eyes on the floor.

“S-sorry to interrupt, the patient needs to come with me now” he said awkwardly. Before you could protest, you were being pushed in your wheelchair down the labyrinth of hallways that made up the mental hospital.

“Welcome to your home for the next few weeks!” the doctor spit in your ear. You looked at the door in front of you. Warning signs plastered the walls.

‘Do not look through the window.’

‘Do not bring any objects that could be harmful inside.’

Before you could continue reading you were pushed inside the lightly padded grey room.  You couldn’t stop your curiosity as you looked around the room. The only decoration was a small mattress on the floor in one corner of the small room. It was a bright white, all the stories and nightmares it held now bleached away.  It reminded you of your second suicide failure, your attempt to bleed out.  You had permanently damaged your arms, making them hard to control sometimes but you didn’t care.

“There is a camera above the door that will watch your every move, all day and all night!” The doctor explained as you were pushed to the mattress. You were carefully placed against the wall so you were not hurting yourself again.

“This is it?” you asked while running your hands over the invisible memories the mattress might have held.

“Yes, someone will come visit you every half hour to check on you and deliver anything you may need. There are holes in the ceiling over in the other corner, as well as in the floor, you will be able to shower under supervision.” He said pointing to the wall you were facing. “Welcome to your new home.”

---

“I think the worst way to go, is to force someone to kill you” he said confidently. You sat a few tables away but listened intensely to their conversation. Your curiosity always got the better of you.

“I agree, like jumping into traffic. It can’t be prevented. It’s sick” a girl nodded along. Your 15 year old self shrunk farther into your seat. You knew they were implying your third suicide failure from a few months earlier. You held onto your broken arm, the only reminder you had left.

You looked down at the book in front of you; a photograph of birds covered the page. The birds were in mid flight, just about to reach the sky as a car drove by to motivate them to be free.  You ironically put the book back on the bottom shelf at the library.

Grounding the birds forever.

---

“How are you?” a nurse interrupted your memories. You looked up at her from your place on the floor.

“The same as usual” you answered vaguely. She sighed and wrote down your answer.

“Do you still feel like killing yourself?” she asked, now bored. It had been a half hour already; you weren’t going to change your ideas in a short amount of time.

“Always babe.” You said while flashing her one of your arrogant smirks. She rolled her eyes and left quickly.

The same ritual happened every half hour, occasionally the nurse brought in food or soap for you to take a shower. After a few days of the consistent schedule you became bored very easily.  The nurse tried to have a conversation with you but they were shallow and useless questions.

“Where did you used to live?”

“Where did you go to school?”

She continued to ask you questions about your life you didn’t want to explain. One question in particular made you snap.

“Why did you try to commit suicide all those times” she asked while handing you a paper cup of soup for you to drink. You took the cup of soup quickly, not caring if you got any on the silent mattress, and threw it as her. She hissed in pain as the hot liquid burned her through her clothes. You looked away as she huffed out in annoyance.  You smiled; she wouldn’t be with you any longer.

“T-that wasn’t very nice.” Matthew said while walking into your room. You looked at him blankly.

“Neither were her questions. A nurse doesn’t have the right to ask sensitive questions.” She said clenching your good fist.

“She wasn’t a nurse; she was a psychologist and one of our best.” He said while running his hand over the lightly padded wall. You hated the word ‘our’, you had never been a part of something yourself.

“I’ve been to a lot of psychiatrists and she was not very good. Most lead into sensitive questions and get to know you first, earn your trust.” You said as you watched Matthew pace around the room. “If she was your best I’d love to see your worst.”

“She was my brother’s girlfriend, she broke up with him last night” He said, still distracted by everything in the room.

“That’s very interesting. Please enlighten me some more.” You replied sarcastically.

“She said she was too good for him. He doesn’t have a job” He continued, ignoring your previous comment. You decided not to continue teasing him, even if it was his fault you were in suicide watch.

“Will you be leaving anytime soon?” You asked impatiently, he was a constant reminder of what you almost had.

“Only one color, but not one size, Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies. Present in sun, but not in rain,
Doing no harm, and feeling no pain.” He said confidently. He saw your confused look and smiled shyly. “What am I talking about?”

“What?” You asked puzzled but before he could explain a doctor came in and spoke quickly with Matthew. You strained your curious ears to try and catch a piece of their conversation but it was too late and they hurried out of the room.

For the first time in 5 years, your thoughts were full of wonder.

---

“These Butterflies may be beautiful but they are very poisonous.” Your guide said as he took your 17 year old self and your class mates around the butterfly gardens. “But don’t worry, they’re only poisonous if you eat them.” He laughed. A few of your female classmates cringed.

You were given an hour to look around the gardens and review the butterflies habitats for your Biology class. You wandered around the garden for a few minutes until you found a secluded bench in front of a shallow pond. You sat down alone and thought about the poisonous butterflies, the small amount wouldn’t be enough to kill you.

You saw something move out of the corner of your eye and saw a butterfly landed on your arm. You didn’t move and instead watched its wings beat slowly, its shadow mirroring its every move. More Butterflies flew above you, their shadows dancing across your skin and the flat ground.

You couldn’t help but feel bad for the shadows, trapped on the ground without the colours of its mirror. Only being able to fly in the two dimensional space.

Never to be free.

---

‘Only one color, but not one size, Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies. Present in sun, but not in rain,
Doing no harm, and feeling no pain’ you repeated the riddle in your head.

“How are you today _______?” a new person asked. You sighed as she interrupted your thoughts. You needed the answer to the riddle from Matthew.

“Where’s Matthew?” You asked, avoiding the nurse’s question.

“Who?”

“He has blond hair, doesn’t make eye contact, shy, awkward” You tried your best to describe him.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about, sorry” the woman answered sadly before leaving you alone with your thoughts again.

---

“You have been doing surprisingly well!” your cheerful doctor sang as he wheeled you through the halls. You were happy for a change in scenery but the same thoughts circled your head ever since Matthew visited you 2 weeks ago.  Your doctor mentioned that you wouldn’t need to stay under strict suicide watch anymore but you would still be monitored while staying in the hospital. “Your cast on your left leg should be off in 2 more weeks~” He added excitedly. You would soon be able to move on your own.

“Thank you” You replied apathetically, still thinking about the riddle.

As if fate knew your inner thoughts, you saw a flash of blond hair turning the corner away from you. You knew it was a silly idea to think that it was Matthew out of all the blond doctors in the hospital but you had to make sure. Why were you so drawn to a person you only spoke with a couple times, a person who ruined your suicide?

“Can you bring me around the corner?”  You asked your doctor politely while pointing to the area where you saw the blond head a few seconds ago. He looked shocked at your sudden manners but nodded and fulfilled your requested anyway. The rolling wheels of your chair made the comforting and too familiar sound of rocks being pushed by waves in shallow water. As soon as the blond head came into view you knew instantly that it was Matthew, his awkward stance and nervous hand motions gave it away.

‘How do I know so much about a boy I just met?’ you wondered as the doctor pushed you closer to Matthew.

“Hi _______” he greeted as he noticed you “I-I see you’re not under strict s-suicide watch anymore”

“Oh, I understand why you wanted to come over here now” The doctor winked and patted you lightly on the head as he walked away from you. You watched Matthew blush and could feel your face heating up as well.

“S-Shadows” you said nervously, trying to get rid of the awkward atmosphere. Matthew looked at you curiously.

“I’m sorry?” He asked you while shifting his weight from each foot onto the other.

“The answer to your riddle” you explained more confidently. You relaxed in your wheelchair as he stopped shifting nervously.

“Oh! I thought you would have forgotten about that” He said with a small laugh as you shook your head quickly.

“No, it’s all I’ve been thinking about” you replied while using your good hand to play with a piece of your hospital pajamas.

“May I?” he asked politely while pointing to your wheelchair. You shook your head no quickly again, wondering where he was planning on taking you. You felt a subtle touch on your shoulder where he slightly missed one of the handles of the wheelchair.

‘He probably didn’t even notice’ you said internally as you could still feel the warmth of his strong hand on your cold and broken body. The slow rolling sound of your wheels on the tile floor felt much more comforting than when you were pushed quickly by the enthusiastic doctor. You almost felt safe in the pale hospital hallway, safe from all the dangers of being alone with your suicidal thoughts.

“What do you think?” Matthew broke the silence as you realized he pushed you into a lonely hallway with a simple chair and a big window overlooking the city. It was almost winter and you could see the small amount of frost covering the early morning scenery.

“Why did you bring me here?” your curiosity forcing you to ignored his original question.

“I thought you would like to see something different” he smiled nervously at you “S-something real”

“I don’t think it’s very fair that you know everything about me but I don’t even know your last name” You said while trying to cross your arms.

“My name is Matthew Williams and I only know the facts about you, not your stories” He said in his naturally quiet voice. “I know that your most damaging suicide attempt was the 4th and it left you in the hospital for over a year with internal failures but I don’t know what gave you the idea to poison yourself” He added while sitting in the simple chair. Now that he was at your level you could make eye contact with his deep purple eyes more easily.

“Poisonous butterflies” You stated plainly. He gave a sad smile before looking down awkwardly.

“That’s so sad” He replied, the fun atmosphere from a few seconds earlier was gone.

“I’m sorry” you said and you finally meant it.

---

Matthew had come to visit you every day and eventually learned to be comfortable around you.

“This is really exciting!” The cheerful doctor said as he removed your leg cast. You were also given a different type of cast on your other leg so you could walk around without damaging your leg even more.

“Try it out” Matthew said eagerly as he walked into your room. You stood up from your bed and stumbled to one corner of the room. You turned and faced your smiling doctors and limped to them slowly. “You’re amazing!” Matthew encouraged and grabbed your hand when you were close enough. You tensed up and he let go quickly.

“You seem to be a lot better than when you started out here,  _______” The cheerful doctor said happily. “You’ll be discharged in a few days” He smiled and left you alone with Matthew.

“Isn’t that great news?” he asked you as you sat down on your familiar hospital bed.

“N-no” You said sadly while holding back tears, you couldn’t let Matthew see you cry again.

“We’ll see each other again; you don’t have to worry about that.” He said while smiling at you.

“I’m 18 now and my parents don’t want to deal with me anymore, I have no one” You said while clenching your fists. “I’m all alone” you added with a whisper.

Matthew slowly moved to sit next to you on the bed, his hand subtly brushing the side of your leg. You never realized how cold and broken you were until his warm and healing hand touched you.

“I-I have an idea” He said shyly, you looked at him as a sign to continue. “You could always come live with m-me” He suggested quietly.

Without thinking you wrapped your good arm and your arm cast around his neck and hugged him. After a few seconds, you could feel Matthew relax and hug you back.

“Thank you for being MY hero” You whispered to him and pulled away from your hug. You looked down at your lap and played with your shirt as you felt your face heat up.

“I-it’s no problem” Matthew said quickly as he left your room. Even though you were busy playing with your clothes you were sure that you saw Matthews face just as red as yours.

---

“Are you ready?” Matthew asked while grabbing your gloved hand as you limped out of the hospital. You had gotten your wrist cast off a few hours earlier and you were ready to be discharged.

“Always” You smiled and let him guide you.

“You can live with me on one condition” He said while turning to look at you.

“And what might that be?” You asked a little nervously.

“I get to ask you a question” He smiled.

“Only if I can ask one first!” You yelled at him. He nodded his head as you continued walking. “Why did you ask me the riddle and tell me those things about your brother?” you asked, the question had been haunting you for over a month.

“I wanted to give you a distraction, suicidal thoughts are very overpowering.” He answered simply. “Why did your very first suicide attempt fail?” he asked seriously. You stopped walking and looked into his bright purple eyes.

“You can’t drown in shallow water.” You answered and continued to walk to Matthew’s house together, finally happy about your failure.